Emotionally Hijacked - What Now?
Dealing with and preventing situations in which you lose control.
You were sitting in the meeting room and received some harsh, unfair feedback.
You became speechless. You could not listen anymore. Your heartbeat was racing, your palms were sweaty, and you simply could not think straight.
Feeling fear, anger, stress, anxiety, excitement, or even aggression.
Congratulations! You have experienced an emotional hijack.
When you are hijacked, you are likely to fight or flee. In practice, you hear yourself shouting or writing an angry email. They close themselves off and are unable to react.
Either way, an emotional hijack is a disruption to interactions you want to avoid. When you lose control, situations can quickly become intense and misunderstood.
Can you deal with emotional hijacking better?
A bit of brain theory
An emotional hijack is also called an Amygdala hijack.
The Amygdala is a region of the brain primarily associated with emotional processes. Its name comes from Greek as it looks like an almond.
Image source: Flintrehab
The premise is that emotions are not coincidences but are brain responses. In ancient times, our ancestors were wired to survive. They needed to respond quickly to everyday challenges.
Let’s play a game. You see a mammoth. Would you fight it or try to hide?
Sadly, there are no mammoths left around us. But we have difficult conversations and managers to deal with. It works similarly.
When you are caught off guard, it travels very quickly to your brain, and it can result in an emotional hijack. Speaking of brain science, you do not feel safe. You are under attack. Your logic is missing, as well as your rational decision-making. You are now driven by fighting back or hiding.
Do you remember any moment you did not feel safe? Perhaps during open criticism at work, or when you were driving and almost crashed. That is how it feels when your brain protects you.
Recognize it is coming
As you experience strong emotions, you are likely to remember hijacking events clearly.
As a manager, I was often hijacked. The first time I had to let go of a colleague from my team. When my boss called me into his office to inform me of some unexpected changes. One time a client shouted at me over the phone. Lastly, the moment I was told I was replaceable.
I am not a shouter. I close myself like a turtle. I wish it would end soon so that it could disappear.
The corporate environment has honed my ability to recognize when it is coming. Thank you for the school of life!
The more you become aware of emotional hijacking, the better you will recognize that it is coming.
A small exercise: are you a turtle or a ninja?
When some people face a threat, they are quick to push back. While others can’t stutter their response. At different moments, you can be either or both.
Getting to know your response will help you understand how others react. Who has a short fuse? Who disappears from the scene after a difficult meeting? Who hates being publicly praised?
As soon as you feel hijacked, your body helps you realize it. The common signs are:
Increased heartbeat
More or less breathing
Sweaty palms
Goosebumps
Red color on your face
Sleeping problems
I could not sleep the whole weekend before I had to fire my colleague. The emotional hijacking took me completely. Notice that hijacking can last for a few seconds as well as for a longer period of time.
How to deal with emotional hijacks
How to get out of emotional hijacks? When it is there, it is there. Yet, your will is there too.
Find the power to acknowledge the moment and break it.
I had a very uncomfortable feedback meeting with my manager. She kept criticizing me. It was one problem after another. I was hijacked, but I was wise enough to refuse to react when she asked me: “Do you have any feedback for me?”
Of course, I had a lot to say! My revenge mode was fully on. Yet, I wanted to avoid any kind of vendetta. So, I told her I would first take some time to think about what she said before revisiting my feedback for her.
Here is a process for dealing with tense situations:
Notice hijack is coming (I am sweating, it is horrible what I hear, etc.)
Break the momentum (I had enough for now. But I will be polite and say something like: “Thank you for raising this.”)
Try to gain time (“I would like to finish our conversation now as I wish to have more time to think about what we discussed/your feedback.)
Take time to reflect (Calm down. Find my balance.)
Look for another opportunity to revisit the conversation.
Find a middle ground. (Prepare your arguments and be open to collaboration)
Close the case
Get or give time to think. You might find yourself in a position where you hijack someone else.
Pushing someone who is apparently unable to listen to you will lead nowhere.
Keep in mind that for productive conversations, both parties need to feel safe. One book on this topic worth exploring was written by Amy C. Edmondson:
Can you prevent emotional hijacking? How?
You always experience something that will trigger your Amygdala hijack. But that does not mean you should resign and blame your emotions for your behavior.
You can train your brain and get used to certain stimuli and types of situations.
Let’s explore this example from my friend.
She was always stressed during Q4. Too many tight deadlines, too much pressure. Every morning she was afraid to open her email expecting some bad news. Her to-do list was never-ending. She was angry and anxious. But she was not productive. There was so much to do she did not know where to start.
The way out of it? Set 3 priorities for the day. She focused on fewer tasks when she accepted she could not do everything. Her planning and emotions stayed in balance.
You can train yourself to be in control.
How?
1. Find your triggers
Analyze what makes you angry, upset, or excited. Search for patterns. You may discover something like this:
Feedback sessions = I feel uncomfortable and anxious.
Heights = I am afraid.
Unfair treatment = I feel angry.
2. Prepare for scenarios
If you know there is a meeting with HR without any agenda, think about what it could be. Promotion? Firing?
Always prepare yourself for all scenarios.
When you know it could be XYZ, you have a higher chance of staying calm and making the right decision. You can pretty much choose not to react.
3. Realize what you feel at the moment
How do you feel now? Bored? Inspired? Annoyed? What is it?
When you realize what you feel, you regain control. You become aware. When you name emotions, you find the strength to assess situations better. No need to sink into an emotional hijack. You can still steer your boat.
4. Take a deep breath
When you are in a tense situation, you may breathe very little. I want you to direct your attention to your breath. Take a deep breath. It can calm you down as well as help you think.
Resist shouting back. Instead, breathe. Additionally, when you turtle in, breathe to recognize the body's natural reaction to protect you by pulling your chest in. Open up and let go of the pressure.
5. Be open to self-reflection
Reach out to a friend or someone you can trust and talk about what you experienced. You may find out a thing or two about yourself. As sharing is learning.
Preventing emotional hijacks takes a lot of time. It feels much better when you speak about it.
6. Practice mindfulness
While mindfulness is becoming a buzzword, I still believe it helps with emotional hijacks. Two things you can try:
Read a book on this topic called The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.
Invest 10 minutes and try a guided meditation. (It is led by a beloved Australian fitness and mindset coach Shona Vertue)
It’s a wrap!
Now over to you. How do you deal with emotional hijacks? Any tips?
Thank you for being here.
Merry Christmas!
What is coming next? A new leadership community as part of this newsletter is coming soon. We will have:
Monthly live workshops
Case studies and interactions
Podcast
QAs
Look forward to seeing you there soon :). Ivona