How to Give (Difficult) Feedback

The 4-step process that helps clear the air.

Nov 10, 2022

Feedback has become a corporate buzzword no.1.

Give feedback, fill out a feedback form, regular 360 feedback, etc. You can’t grow without feedback. Apparently, your whole career depends on feedback!

But who likes feedback?

It is stressful for both - the ones giving feedback and those who are receiving it. People do not like giving bad news. Likewise, people do not like listening to it.

Feedback creates tension.

However, not giving any is just as wrong. When you choose ignorance, you are brewing a serious problem for teamwork. You may start tolerating underperformers, soloists, and toxic behaviors.

Don’t be afraid of difficult conversations. Practice the four steps and clear the air.

1. Feedback preparation

Imagine you get this feedback from a few clients:

They do not want to work with one of your coworkers. The reason is your colleague is messy and chaotic and they feel they cannot rely on her word. What should you do?

Prepare for feedback. Don’t wait for the annual meeting to deal with current issues. Clear the table as soon as possible.

The game plan:

Collect relevant information and do not rely on unchecked gossip
Decide to focus on a maximum of two areas (do not overwhelm people with more during one meeting)
Prepare and practice the content as well as your tone (too strict is threatening, too friendly won’t be taken seriously)
Prepare your empathy (think about how you would feel if someone gave you such feedback - angry, disappointed, defensive?)
Share your intention to have a feedback meeting with a person (let a person prepare emotionally)
If possible, meet in-person

The best feedback is delivered when it is relevant — sooner rather than later.

Feedback should be specific, non-personal, and focused on one or a maximum of two areas. Keep it narrow.

People have terrible experiences with feedback meetings. They catch them off guard. If you announce it ahead, you allow others to get mentally ready and be constructive. For instance:

I want to talk about this project — what went well and what did not.
I would like to discuss recent communication with this client as it seems there is some tension.

Being open is part of building trusting relationships. Feedback should never be mean. It is a chat that helps people to work together better. Feedback is about collaboration.

2. Feedback conversation

Feedback meetings can be pretty formal. Never forget that you are talking to a human being. Don’t be robotic and harsh. Imagine how other people feel when they are told difficult news.

One of the gold rules for feedback is to get to the point and don’t beat around the bush. Say what you have prepared. But let it flow like a conversation.

Prepare for scenarios in which someone might become aggressive, defensive, silent, hijacked, or pleased.

Based on the reaction, decide whether to continue the conversation or break it and revisit it later. But always make sure the other person understands what you have said.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins

When you receive feedback you hadn't expected, you will likely become emotionally hijacked. You must calm down and ask for time to think about it before you react. It is better to gain time than to overreact and make a fool out of yourself.

Feedback conversation is not about hurting feelings. It is about finding solutions together for future cooperation. The world is not against you.

3. Feedback digestion

Some feedback is delivered abruptly. One time a client shouted at me over the phone. I was shocked. It took me a while to digest it and talk about it.

When you deliver difficult feedback, give people some time to digest it. Don’t push for a quick resolution. It is not fair or friendly.

Give people time to think about it.

Ask for time. The most appropriate course of action is to revisit the conversation in a couple of days. Not too long, though, as feedback should still be a ‘hot potato’. You will see the following discussion will be much more productive.

When feelings calm down, you can find solutions together.

Feedback should always be given with positive intentions. It does not jeopardize your relationships with other people.

Make sure not to lose trust by ignoring feedback.

4. Feedforward and a fresh breath of air

Feedback is, in fact, feedforward.

By discussing what worked well and what did not, you aim to improve something for the future. Don’t dwell on the past too much. You cannot change it. You can only influence what happens next.

The most valuable feedback is delivered and discussed. Two actions are taken out of it, and the case is closed.

Don’t leave feedback hanging around for too long. It is contraproductive.

I have seen many times how useless continuous feedback is. People tend to lose their confidence and ask all the time:

“Is it better now?”
“Is it good enough now?”
“Are you happy now? Can I be promoted?”

Always close the feedback circle!

If you are the one receiving it, accept it, solve it, and move forward. Don’t feel bitter all the time. Life goes on. Difficult conversations need to be handled and let go. That is how you grow as a person and as a team.

Imagine feedback as part of your journey. You turn and continue. In the end, you can breathe fresh air. Enjoy this moment. That is what well-delivered and handled feedback does. It is productive and motivating.

Final feedback

Let’s not make a big deal out of feedback. Feedback is just one type of team conversation. The goal is to discuss quality issues, concerns, and other problems. Feedback makes working together happen.

No need to feel shy or inappropriate.

Clear the air when clouds are on the horizon. A culture of collaboration is a culture of feedback. Don’t be afraid to give any kind of feedback that can help you work better together.

See you next week!

Is feedback difficult for you? Your team may have issues with trust and productive conversations. That could be solved with a workshop focused on communication and teamwork. I can help you with that.