Let’s agree on one thing. Feedback is important.
It helps people work better together. Yet, saying to others what they do ‘wrong' or ‘right’ is not everyone’s cup of tea.
It’s even more difficult when you have to deliver it to your friend. You scratch your head and think: “How should I tell them about this?”
Don’t overcomplicate feedback to your work friends. It is easier than you think.
Don’t tiptoe too long
Two managers had the same situation in the past couple of weeks. They noticed mistakes their work friends had made, and they wanted to tell them.
How?
They did not know how to spit it out. They kept their mouths shut since they were afraid of telling them. Yet, it would improve processes and communication.
Relationships make feedback easier but also harder. You don’t want to affect your friendships. At the same time, you don’t want to go behind their backs and solve it for them. Feedback from your friends can be weird.
So, you wait for a good time to chat. Yet, you should not postpone such conversations for a long time. It will annoy you and them even more.
Friendly feedback vs. feedback to a friend
“I want to talk to you about these numbers. You put the expenses on the wrong account.”
Leaders don’t want to sound too harsh when talking to a friend. Yet, you should not sugarcoat too much, either.
Because if you:
Bagatelize mistakes. = They are likely to happen again.
Don’t tell them at all. = They are likely to happen again.
Correct their mistakes for them. = They are likely to happen again.
Friendly feedback is not fluffy. Friendly feedback is still direct, to the point, and expressed in a kind and understanding way.
Your friends will appreciate you more if they know you tell them. Feedback is not a big deal at work. It is a normal part of working with others. Even if you like them, you should not fear telling them off.
Yes, sometimes people are not right, but that is okay. You make mistakes too. Wouldn’t you prefer your friends tell you than others?
The feedback process
The process of delivering feedback to your friends is the same as usual.
Check details, facts, and do not leave loose ends.
Prepare what you want to say and what you need to agree on.
Tell people in advance you have something to discuss. Don’t be mysterious. Tell them it is about this and that project, etc.
Keep it narrow and to the point.
Conversation
Go through feedback together. Align on common points and explain gray areas.
Understand each other.
Manage emotions if things get too heated (take a break if needed)
Agree on steps forward.
Digestion & action
Follow-up chat if needed and clearance of doubts.
Agreed actions are delivered, reported, and mistakes fixed.
Additional support provided
Feedforward
Close feedback and treat it as done. (No need to joke around it repeatedly)
Move on.
Relationships don’t get destroyed by feedback but by gossip and secrets
Feedback is fine. What is not is gossip or secrets. Watch out for what you say and to whom. Likewise, when you hold information for yourself and are not open to your friends, it can hurt them.
Even if you are frustrated, you should not whisper behind people’s backs and discuss it during coffee breaks. Office tam-tams beat, and you risk your work friend hearing it from another corner.
Similarly, when you make an ally with others and intrigue behind the scene. Like, secretly collecting feedback or sending plain context-less invitations to meetings.
Direct well-meant feedback does not destroy friendly relationships. If friends work together, not everything is pink and awesome.
Avoid awkward situations. Such as, when you don’t want to have lunch together because you find mistakes, process errors, or deal with team disputes.
Meh. Say it as it is. Don’t avoid it. Your friends will understand. Although some might be temporarily annoyed because who likes hearing about their mistakes? :-D).
It is always better to be open and clear things out than be silent and let it escalate. Trust me, silence makes it worse.
TL;DR
Don’t tiptoe just because you are friends.
Don’t sugarcoat; be open and direct.
Prepare for feedback as you would do normally.
Don’t gossip about other friends.
Don’t remind mistakes all the time, not even as jokes.
Do you want more?
Read:
Listen:
TED Talks (8:30 min): The Joy of Getting Feedback
TED Talks (19:28 min): How to use others' feedback to learn and grow
See you next week! Ivona