How to Have Uncomfortable Conversations
They will be uncomfortable, but after, you will feel relieved.
If there is one communication skill many people wish for, it is being comfortable with having uncomfortable conversations.
Leaders, freelancers, business people, or coworkers, we all inevitably find ourselves in uncomfortable situations. It is part of working with others.
You may dread the idea of having uncomfortable conversations. But the more you think about it without having it, the more troubled and stressed you become.
Next time, just have it. You will release the tension and get over it.
Why do you feel discomfort?
Imagine you buy a new pair of shoes. They look polished and nice. But when you wear them, they scratch your heel and make you feel bad.
That is how communication sometimes feels, too. In teams, things are looking good on the surface. Everyone does what they should. But there are moments you feel you have to tiptoe around, not hurt someone’s feelings.
Two tensions can occur.
1. Professional tension
When you have different backgrounds, educations, and experiences, you are likely to clash in ways of working. You see it as blue and the other person as yellow. Who is right? Who is wrong?
Professional tension comes in often. Sadly, it prevents people from openly sharing their concerns and ideas.
Imagine having a colleague working two days on a report, and you find it wrong. You don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you need to tell him. It is not the way how it should be done.
2. Personal tension
Some people take feedback personally. They cannot accept different opinions. When you try to talk to them, they feel attacked.
Personal tension is a tricky case. You are afraid of others not liking you if you tell them off. But without an open discussion, the discomfort will grow bigger, and can eventually destroy your relationships.
How do you tell people what is bugging you?
How do you respond to discomfort?
You have three options to respond to discomfort. You can run away, let it go and swallow the tension, or face it.
What do you do the most often? Do you avoid uncomfortable conversations? It feels easier. But it won’t make you feel any better.
If you run away once, you may run away the second time, and then you may have no confidence in your ability to have uncomfortable conversations. It is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Since, you will be distressed and frustrated more than when you would have the conversation.
So, the best strategy is to face discomfort and fears and have these conversations. Say what is on your heart and in your head.
How to Have Uncomfortable Conversations
Having uncomfortable conversations is a skill. You can practice it and learn it.
Give them a head-up.
Let people know what they can expect. You avoid a surprise and help them prepare for it. They are likely to listen to you when you say:
“I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you.”
When it feels difficult, try to acknowledge your feelings and admit that you are afraid of having this conversation with them. “I fear it comes out wrong, but I don’t want to avoid it because there is something I need to address with you to clear the air in our relationship.” Show them that relationships matter to you. You care about them, and it is not easy for you either.
Ask for permission.
Head-up is wonderful. Yet, ensure the other person is ready to listen and have an uncomfortable conversation. Ask: “Can we have this conversation?”
It might not be the best time. They are busy or have a lousy day. Give them space. They can come and be open. It is much better than ambushing them with negative feedback hidden under “Weekly catch-up”.
Uncomfortable Communication
Communicating uncomfortable things must be as much as specific as possible. Speak about the most recent or the most important events that triggered you. Nothing like: “I am angry because you always come late. You can do better than that.”
Instead, try to verbalize it using these three buckets:
Feelings (how something made you feel)
Behavior (what behaviors specifically)
Impact (if the behavior does not change)
So, you say something more specific, for instance:
“I feel disrespected and uncomfortable. Two new policies were published on our internal servers last week, and you publicly disputed their relevance without coming to me first with your questions. It puts pressure on me as your manager, and I fear it would create tension in our relationship.”
It is a conversation. It is essential you vent your side but also listen to others. You get to find out the other side of the coin.
Keep your mind open.
When you get over the beginning, it will be much easier. You might have a heated exchange. Yet, it will release the tension and clear the air.
In most cases, you will know what has happened and why and agree on solutions together. Your relationships get better. You trust each other more, and you are less stressed and frustrated.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations.
Have them. It is as simple as that.
Yes, they are difficult. But care about your relationships more than you care about your fears.
Many times, we assume something and are angry about it. Next time, share how you feel and find out how others see it. They might not realize how they behave and how it affects others. Communicate.
Coming up next week:
Essential Digital Tools for Business and Delegation
Case Study: Accept changes or be annoyed.