Tell me, and be honest: “Do you like being in control?”
You may feel you are on top of the world. Do you experience the pleasurable feeling of having everything in your hands? You can rule without hesitation. Your need for control can come from difficulty accepting uncertainty.
But put your hand on your heart. Isn’t it exhausting to try to control everything and everyone?
How about choosing what you can control and let go of others?
Your need for control
But how much control do you have in your life in reality? Imagine your typical day and think about these ‘forces’:
Your family, partner, kids
Your boss and colleagues
Sold-out lunch items
Weather
Traffic, etc.
Your partner wakes you up since he’s too loud in the kitchen. You may feel grumpy when your train is late. You come to work, and an email about layoff is waiting for you. How can one have even control?
I usually say you can have as much control as you choose to. The trick is to develop ‘healthy’ control. There are way too many things you can’t be in charge of. If you try to, you end up winded off and annoyed every single day.
Feed your need for control with what is in your grasp. What can you influence?
Covey’s Circles
Imagine you are in two invisible bubbles. One is your circle of influence, and the other is your circle of concern. You can do something about your circle of influence. While you may not have as much control in the circle of concern (anything in the news, the political system, global warming, COVID-19, or your CEO’s mood).
The circle of concern can make you feel miserable and powerless. It can give you a feeling you are not in control. That is what reactive focus does.
Luckily, you can influence how you feel. How do you react to what’s happening in your life? Healthy control is then your proactive focus.
Give yourself a chance to control the things that can make you feel good.
For instance, how you dress, what exhibition you will see, and what lunch you will take.
At work, you can treat routine tasks as a burden or as something you do without much thinking.
If you are fired, it is fine. You can start something new.
‘Proactive control’ satisfies your need for control. You can be certain about how you react, what tasks you finish, and how you feel when XYZ happens. You are not a victim, you are in control.
Let go
You may have met leaders, coworkers, or partners who acted like puppeteers. They try to control a situation by taking charge, and doing everything themselves, and micromanaging others.
It can be you, too. When you don’t listen, command, complain, and feel like you can’t trust others. No wonder many people experience burnout and annoyance.
Being overly controlling lowers your happiness.
Learn to appreciate, rather than avoid, uncertainty. - RAJ RAGHUNATHAN
The process of letting go does not work without controlling your control needs. In particular, you need to get life under control first. Review how you are doing with:
Your health
Relationships
Financial situation
Projects and work
People tend to have too many priorities. Don’t flood your days with tasks and activities you can’t do. There is not enough time for everything. If you bite off more than you can chew, you can lose control and become reactive.
You can control yourself, what you do, and your feelings. But with other people? Go with the flow. You can help them, give them feedback, and support them, but you can’t treat them like your toy.
So, save yourself some frustration and accept people and the internet to live their lives.
How much control do you have?
You need control in your life. But do not try controlling everything. Imagine control like a weight. The more you want to control, the more you bend because there is more weight on your back.
Once you stop trying to control people or situations, it will literally lift off your shoulders. You will be happier and more confident about your choices and how you spend your time.
Let go!:-) Ivona