Explain Yourself Better and Break Free From Justification
The utter matter of providing 'why'.
Do you feel you have to explain yourself all the time?
All these: “provide why”, “provide guidance”, “discuss with your team”. They could feel like handcuffs.
Why can’t you simply make a decision? Why do you always have to serve your team the sauce and hope they will eat it?!
We recently discussed this with a friend who is a wonderful manager. He felt pretty strong about the ridiculousness of his position.
Was he a prisoner of his team? Let’s find out.
Everyone has an opinion… and they are not afraid of using it!
Leaders today may struggle with being empathetic, understanding, and effective in serving their teams.
In theory, you should. In practice, how much do you have to justify every single decision to them?
“Where are we? Why do we need to bend in front of our teams?”
Yes, we had a heated discussion about it. The truth is, we might be losing “the sense of chain of command”.
The simple fact is that there is usually someone with decision-making power, and someone who has to believe that the decision has been made in the best interest and with the vision of success.
Yet, you meet people with opinions. They don’t bother to think about the big picture. Their agenda is to be the loudest in the room.
These people use every chance to challenge others and show they know better. You could call them toxic.
Are they right? Maybe sometimes.
Do you have to listen to them? Maybe sometimes.
The point is, you have to deal with opinions about everything you do. You are in the spotlight, and like my friend, many people take pleasure in showing how bad the leadership is.
Sadly.
Why is over-explaining bad?
People don’t listen. When they do, they don’t understand.
Which is why you need to provide whys.
Unless it’s absolutely crystal clear, you will always have to deal with misunderstandings and push-backs.
I work with leaders who are over-explainers. They justify themselves to be like, to avoid conflict, or not to sound too harsh.
It has something to do with people-pleasing tendencies, fear of being misunderstood, or past experiences when no one was listening to them.
The catch is, though, while you intend to keep the peace or show respect, over-explaining can weaken your message and your confidence.
It can be perceived as guilt or as something that is not worth paying attention to.
Over-explaining sucks. So what is the deal? It costs you:
Clarity of the message
Your authority
Prolonged discussions open the door to negotiation when you’ve already decided.
Stop justifying yourself and start explaining yourself
"Justifying yourself" and "explaining yourself" are often used interchangeably, but there's a subtle difference.
Justifying yourself implies a need to defend your actions, often in the face of criticism or disapproval, whereas explaining yourself simply means providing a clear account of what you did or why you did it.
So, what do you want?
Explaining yourself. Period.
5 steps to try for clearer communication:
1. What do you want to say?
Your message, your rules. What do you want to deliver?
When you’re clear on why you’re speaking, you don’t need to justify that you’re speaking.
Logic, no?
2. Apologies and other unnecessary formalities
Drop phrases like: “Sorry, but…” “I just think…” “I could be wrong, but…”
Big big yawn. These weaken your message.
Speak directly. “I want to try this new approach because….”
3. Facts, no excuses (aka victim mindset)
Use my favourite recipe: What?, Why?, So What?
Example of justifying fluff: “I can’t make it to this meeting because I have so much going on with my daughter being sick, this deadline on my back, my coworker needs feedback, and blah blah. Sorry, should we think about another date perhaps? Or not…
What you should say instead: “I won’t be able to attend since I have a day scheduled already. Let’s check out calendars for tomorrow.”
4. Be assertive and say ‘no’ more often
Say ‘no’ as if it were a complete sentence. “I can’t.” “Thank you, but I am not available.”
If you need to explain ‘why’, keep it simple and assertive (if needed).
Listen to:
You don’t always owe a detailed reason.
5. What is your role in the conversation?
This might come as an uncomfortable truth, but you don’t always have to ask for approvals.
When you’re sharing insights, information, or making a decision, what is your role? To keep your team collaborating on goals or to beg their pardon?
Sometimes, the race for being the best empathetic leader hinders the communication a lot, shifting from “I hope this will be okay with you,” to “I’ve decided this way and this is how we will do it.”
Leading is like dancing.
One leads, one follows.
It is beautiful when a couple is dancing. Their collaboration and clear conversation all make sense.
What if they both try to lead? It is a mess. Likewise, when they don’t talk together and decide who will lead and what dance they will dance.
Is it really that simple to work with other people? Yes. The roles need to be transparent. Of course, people also need to be willing to follow decisions and contribute.
Be the DJ. Play the music for your team. Get them going.
Leading is like dancing… or like playing the music.
You set the tone.
Final Thought
How much do you have to explain yourself? Provide ‘why’ generously, but not apologetically.
… trust in direct communication that brings you more friends and respect than meaningless fluff.
Have a good one, Ivona
On the menu:
Monday Video Bites: Buy-in
Thursday Newsletter: Leadership Fatigue Is Real