If You Don’t Ask, You Don’t Get It
Do you communicate what you want?
Mahatma Gandhi knew it. “If you don’t ask, you don’t get it.”
It is as simple as that.
Yet, you may feel uncomfortable to say what you want. There is never a good occasion. You feel embarrassed, and end up waiting for them to notice.
Let me spoil it for you. The chance they notice is not high. I had coworkers who talked between the lines. Did I understand what they wanted? Of course not. I had to ask them directly.
Don’t rely on poetic metaphors and vague ‘okay’ statements. Take a chance into your hands and ask for it. You might be surprised that you get it.
Why don’t you just ask?
As a typical millennial, I hate calling. I grew up texting. So, making a call that is not a video call is annoying me. When you complain about something, people tend to tell you: “Why don’t you just XX/call/ask for it/change it?”
If it was that simple, you would be confident and ask. But maybe you are not.
The common reasons why you don’t ask:
You feel inappropriate. You are not in a position to ask for anything.
You fear of not being understood. Others can hear something else.
You don’t want to look needy, greedy, disloyal, ambitious, etc.
You are waiting for the right time.
You don’t know how to ask.
You are afraid of rejection.
Saying openly what you need and want can feel like a hard nut. Many struggle with that. The fear of making others angry or influencing your relationships is high. But the consequences of your not asking are equally devastating.
If you don’t communicate, you put yourself at risk of:
Being exploited.
Feeling tensed and uncomfortable.
Being demotivated and annoyed about everything.
Letting your relationships fall apart
What is worse then? Have an uncomfortable moment and ask to see if you get it or not. Or suffer from ‘what if’ & ‘I should have’? Stepping out of your shy shadow will always work better. Even if the answer is ‘no’.
What do you want?
I like working with people who know what they want. As a manager, I have met characters who were unsure about their future and could not decide. It is challenging to support such people.
Communicate your ideas and needs. You make it easier for others to work, study, or live with you. Silence never works well in the long term.
First things first, what do you want?
What is it that you often complain about and wish it would change? That is a good indicator of what you want. Do you catch yourself saying:
“I could do this better, if …”
“I would have done it differently, if…”
“I have ideas, but feel no one would listen to me.”
Out of all your frustrations, doubts, and complaints, pick one or two that would make you happy. Start with quick wins, but think about your future, too.
E.g., You want to be promoted. To achieve that, you need to be responsible for a large project. So, you go to your boss and ask them to involve you in the next big project that would come.
Get your hands on things you want. Don’t wait for opportunities. Create them for yourself.
Ask, you have nothing to lose.
What you want is as much important as how you ask for it.
I remember coworkers who came to the boss and gave him an ultimatum. “More money, or I am leaving.” It can work, but it messes relationships up. Since, it is a power game.
Want and need conversations will always be a bit tricky. Three things will help you get over them smoothly:
Be specific and clear
Be neutral (don’t blame others, talk in frustration, shout, etc.)
Use ‘because’ generously
The strategy that always pays off is to prepare what you want to say. Many requests are vague and end up in confusion. Don’t let people guess what you want. For example:
“I want more time off.” - Do you want flexible workdays? More holidays? Sabbatical?
“I want to do something else.” - Do you want a different project, account, work, or promotion?
What you want should not be a hot needle. You will make it easier if you explain your rationale and point out benefits for others, too. “I want more money because I have taken over more responsibilities from the current manager. I now help her with XYZ and deliver this value.”
‘Because’ is powerful. It makes people understand and accept your needs better than when you complain.
Interestingly, many people fear asking for things. But when they do, they are often surprised they get it. You can negotiate benefits for yourself if you approach it as if you have nothing to lose.
To be honest, you do have nothing to lose.
Worst case? You don’t get it. In such a case, you are where you would be without asking but less bothered. So, ask and get it next time.
Ask and be more satisfied and confident.
If you ask, you will be more satisfied with yourself than when you don’t ask. Don’t let your wishes hang in the air. Everyone needs something. What is it for you?
Try with a few small things and eventually ask for what really matters to you. You will work better with others and feel you are in control of what’s happening around you.
Check these two resources that will help you ask next time:
Very captivating piece 👍