The One and Big Communication Tip You Will Ever Get From Me
Use when everything else fails.
“Communicate clearly.” “Listen actively.” “Ask clarifying questions.” “Stay open-minded.”
You do it all.
But you work with an idiot.
They are jumping from a topic to a topic. They don’t give you answers. They don’t listen. They load you with meetings. They suck all of your energy.
Don’t feel miserable. It’s time to summon Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien.
One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all,
and in the darkness bind them; In the Land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
There is the only thing that rules your productivity, confidence, and sanity.
Boundaries.
It’s too good to be true
You can read all management and self-help books but still struggle with communication. Why?
You might not have understood everything. You didn’t start using all the tips. You wonder what you should change and improve. What if it is nothing?
You hear me.
What if you don’t have to change anything?
I often read and listen to big names in leadership and enjoy it. “Do this to be a leader.” It’s looking crystal clear. Be self-conscious, listen, ask questions, use empathy, etc.
The assumption is to be an adult who respects others and that is how they respect you. In theory...
In practice, communication cannot be more complex and difficult. The trouble is people do not act like adults in some cases, they don’t care about respect, and they do not follow any best practices.
So, it happens you work with clients who don’t like you, care about you, or are idiots.
I said it and I am happy it is out. Because you’ve been reading from me a lot about communication and many times, even I have to admit the topis are too good to be true.
When everything else fails…
One word to clear them all, one phrase to guide them,
One voice to reach them all, and in clarity bind them;
In the world of discourse where confusion lies.
This is what happens when you replace a ring with communication. Thank you Tolkien for the inspiration!
I ran workshops about communication, and here and there got into the final discussion. That is about trying everything, from listening to pleasing them, but nothing works.
When you feel you tried everything, and it’s still not working, then you have to put your boundaries up.
You should have some boundaries always. Yet, communication comes with flexibility, positivity, a pro-client attitude, etc. You try to build relationships, keep projects running, please your team, and all these little tiny moments during your days.
The truth is, you are stretching every day.
But there is a limit.
Find yours.
Communicate your boundaries
Enough! Put your foot down.
They cannot make a fool of you all the time. How do you achieve that? The gentle method is to communicate your boundaries.
Again, it’s like foreplay, you should always try it before you start building your fortification for real.
Healthy communication comes with boundaries, and three steps to let others know about them:
Define your limits: Identify and descriptively define what makes you uncomfortable, take your energy and productivity out, and what makes you overwhelmed in conversations and interactions.
Communicate assertively: Express your boundaries in a calm, and respectful manner. Ensure they understand your needs.
Listen to the podcast episode with my friend Martin about assertiveness:
Be consistent: Enforce your boundaries regularly, be firm without feeling guilty, and stay open to healthy compromise.
Okay, if it was that easy, why no one is doing it? Because it is not easy, sadly. People don’t communicate their boundaries. They rather opt to suffer in secret and vent in private.
I’ve recently worked with a client who tried everything and even more. They worked on their communication, but it didn’t help. They communicated their boundaries. It didn’t help.
Now what?
Communication fortifications
They don’t listen or care about you. Frustration. Stress. Lack of motivation.
Don’t go too deep into the rabbit hole because the one big step is ahead of you. I call it communication fortifications.
When nothing works, and you can’t get rid of this client or colleague, your only chance is to build ‘physical’ fortifications.
Imagine something like these:
They are late. = The report will be late.
They book random meetings. = Without a head-up, you don’t accept.
They agree on something and change it later. = Change means delay, sorry.
They are messy. = Be firm on meeting notes and minutes.
They escalate you. = You explain facts to your boss without stress.
They evaluate you negatively. = You stick to the facts.
Sometimes, it just does not work. Effective communication is about admitting what works and what does not. And you can’t resolve all issues, cultural differences, and language barriers.
So, it is pointless to try harder when you have already invested yourself a lot. Protect your energy, work-life balance, and family.
Customers, suppliers, and your managers can eat you all if you let them.
So, my big piece of advice is:
Don’t let it happen. Be aware of your boundaries, communicate them, and if that fails, build the fortifications.
TL;DR
Establish boundaries early: Define and communicate your limits before frustration builds, ensuring others know your expectations from the start.
Be assertive. When communication breaks down, be firm yet respectful in expressing your boundaries, reinforcing your stance without guilt.
Fortify when necessary. If others don’t respect your boundaries, create clear, actionable consequences—like sticking to deadlines or refusing last-minute meetings—to protect your time and energy.
And let’s go back to the madness! Ivona
Workshop alert:
Boosting Accountability: Practical Steps for a High-Performing Team (Tue, Oct 15, 2024, 3:30 PM - 4:30 PM CET)
60 minutes Workshop Breakdown:
1. Introduction to Accountability
- Define what accountability means in the workplace
- Discuss the difference between responsibility and accountability
- Why accountability is crucial for a high-performing team
2. Setting Clear Expectations
- Clarifying roles and responsibilities
- Creating SMART Goals and using Skill Will Matrix
3. Establishing Transparent Communication
- Consistent check-ins
- Fostering open dialogue
4. Encouraging Ownership and Initiative
- Empowering team members
- Promoting problem-solving
5. Accountability Systems and Tools
- Tracking progress
- Feedback and holding people accountable
6. Building a Culture of Accountability
- Modeling accountability as a leader
Q&A and Wrap-UpLink to the event: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83443181802?pwd=FMl8tMkcnwF5VaUK4nvNrCx83AzZF8.1
On the menu:
Monday Deep Dive: Tools For Decision-making
Thursday Newsletter: 5 Silly Leadership Advice Too Abstract to Practice