Why You Cannot Change People
Leaders wake up. People don't change.
Do people change?
If they want to and work on it themselves, then they can. But it is a slow process.
There is now a bit of misunderstanding about what feedback can do. Leaders often use to help people. Yet, the actual reason, though, is to change people.
Like you are unlikely to change your partner, you are unlikely to change the personalities of your coworkers.
The sooner you realize that, the more energy and headaches you save yourself.
Leader (don’t) mould their teams
You, as a leader, are the driving force of your team. You set an example and the pace.
No issues with that.
However, when you believe that with enough feedback, coaching, or “nudging” you can reshape someone’s personality to fit better with the team, you are wasting your time.
People are not blank canvases waiting for your painting.
They come with life experiences, natural tendencies, and ingrained thinking and working methods.
Imagine personality is like the building foundation. It stands firmly, and what you can change is:
Furniture (aka behavior)
Colors of the walls (communication style)
Or heating system (work habits)
But you cannot tear down the entire structure and rebuild it because you don’t like it. Your options are quite limited.
Can you mould an introvert into an extrovert? It is ridiculous. They need to want it and work on it. Not you.
🔍Feedback refines behaviors, not an attempt to rewrite personalities.
The myth of “the perfect team fit”
Do you hire ‘the right’ fit?
Usually, a leader has a personal preference for someone who thinks and works like them. It is comfortable. People naturally prefer working with those who mirror their own habits, education, or problem-solving.
But a team of identical twins creates blind spots, groupthink, and a lack of creativity.
You could hear 100x that different strengths drive better performance, but then you go and hire another you.
The best teams are a mix. You need planners, improvisers, dreamers, analysts, detail-focused executors, risk-takers, administrators. You need the balance rather than the same personalities.
Innovation and adaptability are key nowadays. The only way to get that is to work with people who have different perspectives and skill sets.
Don’t be afraid of hiring someone different.
🔍The perfect fit doesn’t exist. Only a team that leverages different strengths.
Behavior is flexible, personality is not
Some leaders I work with mistakenly believe that consistent feedback can change how people are.
I don’t know from where this urge is coming, but one thing is clear. Instead of fighting against someone’s natural tendencies, experienced leaders learn to work with them.
After all, your colleagues have to learn to work with you, too.
We talk about behavior as a muscle - with training, people can develop new habits, improve communication, and refine how they respond to situations.
Psychological research shows that personality traits remain relatively stable over time.
A naturally introverted person may learn to network effectively, but they’ll never enjoy socializing like an extrovert does.
A cautious, risk-averse thinker can learn to take calculated risks, but they won’t suddenly crave uncertainty and adventure.
Take out? Align roles and tasks with your team members' strengths. Forcing them to reprogram their minds will lead to stress, burnout, and lost motivation.
You need different personalities to drive innovation
This might sound like a cliche, but you want a diverse team. Leverage personality differences and your collaboration will improve.
As different perspectives offer alternative solutions. Different personalities are likely to balance each other out and fill gaps in problem-solving.
You must be getting goosebumps because it is so exciting to finally know it is okay to have constructive conflict driven by different personalities and playing with disagreements in a productive way.
You don’t want sameness. You don’t need nodders.
Embrace creativity, cheeky questions, detail-oriented planners, skeptics, and introverts.
Like them all!
Also read:
Final Thought
Don’t waste your time sculpting people into a version you prefer. Guide, adapt, and enjoy the natural strengths of your teammates.
Yes, they are sometimes annoying. But no good collaboration is built on uniformity. You should embrace 3 values: diversity, challenge, and balance.
Have a good one, Ivona
On the menu:
Thursday Newsletter: Why Acknowledging Emotions Is a Leadership Must